


The Holtzmann Effect

by AudreyV



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Bisexuality, But Don't Worry It's Not that Kind of Fic, But Erin has totally noticed, Confusion, Crushes, Drinking & Talking, Drunken Flirting, Erin Sandwich, Flirting, Fluid Sexuality, Holtz doesn't know how awesome she is, Kevin has synesthesia, Kissing, Lots of Threesome Talk, Miscommunication, Multi, Synesthesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AudreyV/pseuds/AudreyV
Summary: Two more rounds later Holtzmann was drunk enough to forge ahead with her plan, which had been distilled to three stages: Enthrall Kevin; discover his secrets; put said secrets to use on Erin Gilbert.  
Step one was flirt with Kevin, so she opened her mouth to say, “Fancy another, hot stuff?” in her sexiest voice.
“Why haven't you slept with Erin?” is what actually came out.  
--
A ridiculous romp with a lot of talking about sex.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a fill for a prompt that was about Holtzmann wanting to try sleeping with a dude, and you guys? After filling some of the weirdest prompts ever, I finally found something I can't make work. (I texted my BFF "I'm trying to write a Holtzmann-sleeps-with-a-dude-for-science fic and I just can't" and she replied "There's a line. And on this side of it Holtzy's gay." And anybody who gets THAT random movie reference gets a cookie.)
> 
> But I'd already written some stuff that I really liked, so I gutted it and started over with just those bits and two premises:
> 
> \- Holtzmann wants to understand what Erin sees in Kevin  
> \- Patty thinks anybody in the world would sleep with Holtzy
> 
> Thus this ridiculous romp of a fic was born. 
> 
> Here is a list of things you will NOT find in this fic: death, violence, awkward sex, regret, bad choices, cruelty, illness, grief, serious arguments, S&M, kink, tragic backstory, or explicit sex. 
> 
> Here is a list of things you will find in this fic: girly drinks, an explanation for Kevin's seeing sounds, sexuality being a beautiful spectrum for some and a single point on the line for others, flirting, Erin the open-minded sexually confident hottie, mai tais, asexual gamer Abby, chocolate, clueless Holtzmann, making out, many instances of the phrase "Erin-sandwich", Patty being awesome as always, and a cat with a distinctly misleading name.

Jillian Holtzmann was in no way, shape or form jealous of Kevin Beckman. 

Yes, she sometimes wondered how different her life would have been if she'd been born straight, male and gorgeous, but she never actually envied those things about him. He got the body of a God and the face of an angel; she got an IQ that was twice his. It was fair. 

Except Kevin's good luck meant he also got the sweaty, stuttering, blindingly awkward attentions of Erin Gilbert, and THAT tipped the scales solidly to unfair. 

Holtzmann tried to deduce what it was about Kevin that her co-worker found so fascinating. She couldn’t come up with an answer, but she resolved to investigate further. Perhaps if she knew exactly what the brilliant physicist saw in him, she could cultivate similar qualities in herself. 

She knew that the answer might turn out to be “straight” “male” and “gorgeous,” in which case she was zero for three and SOL. But if it was something else— the way that he interacted with her, or an action, or some ridiculous pheromone cologne— those things she could work with. 

Holtzmann watched Erin hovering at the corner of Kevin's desk one evening. She couldn't hear what they were talking about but she could read Erin's “oh please fuck me” body language and it made her grumpy. She took a swig of her beer and started looking for something she could smash in the alleyway. 

“Is he really that amazing?” Holtzmann asked Abby, who looked up from the post-apocalyptic video game she was playing. 

“You know I'm the wrong person to ask. Oh sweet irony, having the most gorgeous man who ever lived and the most irresistible woman in the known universe right in front of me and not wanting to bang either of them,” Abby said lightly. 

“Yeah, rah rah asexual pride and all that,” Holtzmann groused, turning her attention back to Erin. “If she's so damn irresistible then why isn't he tapping that?”

“I meant you.”

“Lil’ old me? Nah.” Holtzmann scoffed quietly. She wondered if Abby was joking, but that didn’t seem to be the case. Usually when Abby told a joke she watched, suppressing giggles and fidgeting while it landed, but the brunette had already turned her attention back to the game. 

“She’s right, Holtzy,” Patty interjected, glancing at Holtzmann over the top of the book she was reading. “I am pretty much all the way straight as fuck, but if you came on to me I'd be giving it some real thought.”

“Me too,” Abby concurred. “I mean, I’d turn you down but— oh fudge! Stupid deathclaw.” She tossed her controller on the couch and turned back to Holtzmann. “Is this actually news to you or are you just playing at being modest?”

“I think you overestimate my abilities.” Holtzmann felt her cheeks starting to burn. “But you both sure know how to make a girl feel appreciated.”

“It's just truth, baby,” Patti said. “You wink at some poor bastard and bam, they’ll do pretty much whatever you want. Young, old, women, men— nobody’s immune.”

“Nah. This” she said, vaguely gesturing toward herself, “only works on the ladies.”

“How many dudes you tried it out on?” Patti asked. 

“Ahhhhhhh, zero?”

“That's what I thought.” Patti went back to her book. “Just cause you don't like them, that doesn't mean they don't like you. The Holtzmann Effect transcends gender barriers. Though maybe it's better you don't believe me. You’d be an unstoppable force if you knew you could bend everybody to your will, and not just the ladies who like ladies.”

The wheels turned in Holtzmann’s brain. Maybe she'd been going about this all wrong, she thought as she watched Erin giggle and then walk away from their blonde receptionist. Perhaps a thorough investigation of Kevin’s apparent charms would produce more actionable information. She could test Patty’s assessment. She'd prove her friend wrong, or she'd learn Kevin's tricks straight from the source. Either way, a win. 

—

“It's super nice that you invited me for a drink, but won't the others be jealous?” Kevin asked before drinking half his mai tai in several gulps. He gave Holtzmann the thumbs up sign. “I mean, I'm pretty jealous of me right now!”

The engineer tilted her head and stared at Kevin as if he were an unfamiliar piece of equipment she was planning to salvage. She’d been observing him closely for days, but this was her first attempt at actual meaningful interaction. It wasn't proving fruitful yet, but at least the blonde receptionist seemed to be having a good time. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll take all of them out too. Maybe Erin next,” Holtzmann added carefully. She picked up her own drink— bourbon, on the rocks with a twist of orange— and sipped it. For the twentieth time she wondered if this was all completely pointless, but she had to know if there was anything she could do to unseat Kevin as “Erin Gilbert’s designated flirting target.”

“I'm glad we're getting to know each other. I thought you didn't like me.”

“Why did you think that?”

“You look angry at me sometimes. And not just when I'm doing the phones, you know?” Kevin shrugged. “And then sometimes your voice is purple, even though it's almost always green.”

Voices have colors. Holtzmann thought she should file that one away and press on, but scientific curiosity got the better of her. 

“When does my voice get purple?”

“Oh mostly when Erin is talking to me and you wish she was talking to you.”

“I don't know what you mean.” Holtzmann replied quickly. 

“There it goes— purple again!”

“Okay, Kevin, I'm gonna need you to explain the color thing to me. Does purple mean angry?”

“Not for everyone. But your voice is purple when you're angry. The rest of the time it's green,” he repeated with a smile. “When you sing in the shower it's still green, but very light green. I love when your voice is light green.”

Holtzmann’s brain lit up as she put together the pieces. “I sing higher than I speak.”

“Lighter. The green is lighter.”

“Kevin, do all sounds have colors?”

“‘Course they do.”

Fascinating. This was outside the scope of her original research, but it certainly merited further study. 

“So right now my voice is green?” Holtzmann asked. 

“Yes.”

“Is the green an actual visual stimulus or is it a subliminal impression?” Holtzmann sighed when Kevin looked confused. “When I talk do you see the green? Like with your eyes?”

Kevin shrugged. “Your voice IS green.”

“Well that's monumentally unhelpful.” Holtzmann decided to try another track of inquiry. “When did you first notice that sounds had colors?”

“They’ve always had colors.” Kevin looked puzzled. “You don't see them?”

“No. Most people don't see them.” Holtzmann replied. “Do you know what synesthesia is?”

“Oh, yep.” Kevin grinned. “That's what they gave me when they took my appendix out.”

“That's anesthesia. Synesthesia is a neurological— synesthesia is when people can do something like see sounds or taste words.”

“I wonder what words would taste the best. Maybe ‘sandwich’?” Kevin mused. “The word ‘mai tai’ would definitely taste good. I need another. Do you?”

Holtzmann looked at her mostly-full bourbon. She knocked it back then handed him the empty glass. As Kevin wandered toward the bar to get them another round, she was already devising different experiments to test the specifics of his synesthesia. It likely wouldn’t be useful, but the concept was fascinating. She put it next on her list, right after her current track of scientific inquiry was wrapped up. 

—

Two more rounds later Holtzmann was drunk enough to forge ahead with her plan, which had been distilled to three stages: Enthrall Kevin; discover his secrets; put said secrets to use on Erin Gilbert. 

Step one was flirt with Kevin, so she opened her mouth to say, “Fancy another, hot stuff?” in her sexiest voice.

“Why haven't you slept with Erin?” is what actually came out. 

Kevin shrugged. “Dunno. She hasn't asked?”

“But she flirts with you constantly. She wants to sleep with you.”

Kevin looked thoughtful for a moment. “Nah,” he said finally. “If she wanted to sleep with me, she would ask.”

“Women are rarely so straightforward, my friend,” Holtzmann said, looking deep into her half full glass as if it held sage advice. 

“I guess you're right. But maybe you could be.” Kevin suggested. “Like as an experiment.”

“Well, actually, I have this idea—”

“Because I am pretty sure Erin would sleep with you if you asked.”

Holtzmann blinked, her drink suspended halfway to her mouth, which was hanging open. She gathered her composure. “And what makes you think that?”

“Well, you're hot, for one,” Kevin said, as if it were an indisputable fact. “And she looks at you all the time when you're making things. And she really likes it when you go out and test them in the alley. She always runs over to the window to watch.”

“I didn't know that.” Innnnnnnteresting. She wasn't learning much about Kevin’s charms, but this information would be useful. 

“Yep. You should definitely ask her.” Kevin looked puzzled for a moment. “If you like sleeping with women, that is.”

“Is that really a question?”

“No, the question would be ‘do you like sleeping with women?’ Hear how my voice goes up at the end like that?” Kevin gestured proudly with one finger jabbing at the air. “That’s what makes it a question.”

“Uh… yeah. And I do like sleeping with women. I only sleep with women.” Holtzmann noticed the confused look on Kevin’s face and added, “Because I'm gay.”

“Right, right. I knew that.” Kevin lapsed into silence for several moments, his brow furrowed. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” she asked.

“Oh, no thanks, I hate carrying coins around,” Kevin said. “Too much jingling.”

“It's a… never mind. What are you thinking about?”

“Usually women who buy me this many drinks want to have sex.”

Holtzmann choked on her bourbon. Kevin amiably smacked her back until she was done coughing. 

“I… uh… okay, Kev. Here’s the deal. Patty made this comment about how she thinks I have some weird power over people, like people including DUDES, which is an interesting concept but not something I know about in practice. Or that I really want to know about—- I mean, I want to know why you— I mean, why certain men are attractive to particular women, because then— forget I said anything.”

“You’ve only slept with women?” Kevin asked. 

“Yeah.”

“How many?”

“Uh… lots.” Holtzmann felt herself blushing again, which was ridiculous. She wasn't ashamed of her sexual history, but she also hadn't been asked for an exact number in quite a while. Plus this was Kevin and she wasn’t sure where this line of inquiry was headed.

“And how many men?”

“Zero.”

“Are you sure?” Kevin asked. 

Holtzmann tried to imagine a scenario in which she would have somehow missed that one of her bedmates had been a man, but she couldn't come up with one. 

“Yes, I'm sure.” Holtzmann watched Kevin shift in his seat, trying and failing several times to say something. “Kevin, there's obviously something on your mind. Spit it out. We’re pals, I won't get… purple.”

“If you've only ever slept with women, how do you know you're gay?” he asked. 

“Uh… the same way you know you're straight even though you've never slept with a dude?”

Kevin chortled. “I’ve slept with WAY more dudes than you have.”

“You…” Holtzmann trailed off. She wondered if Kevin was kidding, but after observing him for a moment she decided he wasn't. “I'm sorry, you're blowing my mind a little here.”

“Oh, not yet. But I probably could,” Kevin said with an exaggerated wink. 

Holtzmann stared at him, a look of abject horror on her face. “Never do that again.”

“Consider it not done.” He smiled broadly. “I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to flirt with you or not.”

“Let's go with ‘definitely not.’” Holtzmann waved at a waitress and gestured for another round, punctuating the motion with a wink. “So… how did you decide to sleep with a guy? I'm guessing more went into it than ‘one asked.’”

“Well the asking was still important.” Kevin thought for a moment. “So this mate of mine made a joke about me being too pretty to be straight. I told him that I thought I was probably straight but since I'd never been with a man I didn't really know. Then he said he wasn't sure it worked like that, but that if I wanted to try it out and see, he'd be happy to sleep with me. And it turns out, I was pretty happy to sleep with him too.”

“That's sweet. And unexpected.” The drinks arrived, and Holtzmann noticed with a smile that her coaster had a phone number written on it. “So you're bisexual?”

“Oh I don't keep track.”

“Uh huh.” Holtzmann shrugged. “I mean, whatever works for you.”

Kevin looked thoughtful, then his face lit up. “I've got an idea.”

“Dare I ask?”

“You want to sleep with Erin.”

“No! No…. yes. Okay, yes, I do.”

“And you think Erin wants to sleep with me, and I think Erin wants to sleep with you. So we should just sleep with her together.”

“Uh…. Hmmmm.” Holtzmann said. “Okay, Kev, I love you, but that would end in disaster.”

Kevin shrugged. “Maybe. But Abby says you like disaster.”

—

 

An hour later, Holtzmann was perched atop her work table, her arms thrown around Kevin's neck. She stared at him, eyes narrowing with determination, but the instant she tried to move her face an inch closer to his, she shook her head. 

“Nope, nope, this isn't going to work.” She thumped her forehead against his chest a few times. “I already know Patty’s wrong, I don’t need to prove it.”

“Hmmm?”

“Nothing.” Holtzmann looked up at Kevin. “Since it’s going to be an Erin-sandwich and not a legit threesome, I don’t actually need to kiss you.”

”Nope.” Kevin moved to back away but Holtzmann’s grip on him stopped him. 

“Wait.” She took a deep breath. She could kiss Kevin, learn his secrets, and then they could proceed with their Erin-sandwich plan. “I would like to kiss you. Once. For science,” she said. 

“Okay,” Kevin replied with a shrug. 

The kiss started off stiff. Kevin's hand was soft on the side of Holtzmann’s face and he let her lead, which was pretty much the only way it could work. 

Kissing Kevin wasn't bad, but it also wasn't toe-curling good like kissing a woman could be. Holtzmann viewed the experience with the detachment of a researcher. She clocked her body starting to respond to the physical stimulation of kissing (or maybe it was the fleeting image the phrase “Erin-sandwich” conjured up), but her brain stayed totally disengaged. 

“Okay.” Her arms dropped from Kevin’s shoulders. “After careful consideration I think we should do that again never.”

“Roger that.”

The kiss offered no insight as to Kevin’s mysterious appeal, but Holtzmann remembered she did have another theory to test. 

“Could I make you do anything I wanted?” Her eyes narrowed at Kevin, who shrugged.

“Sure, boss, but I thought we were off the clock.” He said amiably. 

“Not like that. I mean… do you want to do things to please me?” At Kevin’s blank look, Holtzmann added, “As if you were under my spell?”

“Uhhhh… should I?”

“No, no,” she said with a smug grin. “Thank you for helping me prove Patty wrong. Ready for part two?”

“Absolutely!” Kevin grinned and peeled off his shirt. He reached for the top button of Holtzmann’s top, but she batted his hands away. 

“I've got this,” she said, popping the first two. She considered for a minute. “One more?”

“Two more.”

“Okay, one more, because two would be showing underboob,” she said, popping the third button down, exposing the swell of her breasts but nothing too indecent. She gestured for Kevin to lean down so she could ruffle his perfect coif. 

“There. Do we look totally irresistible in a suggestive way?” Holtzmann asked.

“Um…” 

“Hot. Do we look hot?”

“Oh, definitely,” he said. 

“You know you can still back out if you wanna.”

“Nah, I'm good,” Kevin replied. 

“Okay.” Holtzmann nodded. The buzz from the bourbon was starting to wear off and her stomach felt a little wobbly at the idea of following through with their plan (which had she really considered it, she would have realized amounted to "look hot, be irresistible"). She steeled herself. “Text her.”

Kevin tapped a message into his phone and sent it. The two of them waited in silence for several moments. 

“What if she's out?”

“Erin doesn't go out,” Kevin replied. “She's probably looking for a robe or something. Can't just come downstairs naked. Although that would be more efficient in this situation.”

“I'm pretty sure Erin wears pajamas.”

“Never seemed like much of a point to me. You just have to take them off to get dressed in the morning.”

“Is it ER kind of problem or a first aid kind of problem?” Erin called as she careened down the stairs. “If I have to take her to the ER then I need to put on real pants.”

Holtzmann eyed Kevin suspiciously. “What did you say in that text, Kev?”

“I said you had a problem that needed our help.” He grinned. “The best part is, it's true!”

“Faraday help me,” Holtzmann muttered as Erin stopped her flurry of activity and stared at them. 

“You don't look like you're bleeding.” Her eyes narrowed. “And why is Kevin shirtless? If this is another one of your jokes—”

“Not a joke,” Kevin assured her. “More like a setup!”

Erin stood at the foot of the stairs. She was wearing a peach robe and matching slippers and her hair was delightfully messy. Her arms were crossed across her chest and she eyed them suspiciously. 

“Holtzmann, explain.”

“Well, you see—” Kevin began. 

“Is your name Holtzmann?” Erin glared at him, then turned to the blonde engineer. “I'm waiting.”

“I… uh…” Holtzmann took a deep breath. “Everything is okay, no one is bleeding.”

“I can see that.”

“So Kevin and I were out having drinks tonight—”

“Since when do you and Kevin have drinks?” Erin asked, eyes darting between them.

“Told you she’d be jealous,” Kevin interjected. “Erin’s got a major crush on you.”

“I don't know why you’d— where did you get an apple?” Erin asked. 

Kevin pointed. “Off Patty’s desk. I got hungry. This is taking a long time.”

“Holtzmann. Start talking,” Erin commanded. 

“So… uh…” Holtzmann glanced at Kevin for help, but he was preoccupied with his pilfered apple. She looked over at Erin, who looked equal parts pissed off, confused and uncomfortable. 

She realized she hadn't actually thought through how Erin would react to all this. She should have known what she hoped for — a Holtzmann-Erin-Kevin sandwich, strictly in that order — was an unlikely outcome. Since real life was not pornography. 

At least, Holtzmann’s real life wasn’t. Maybe Kevin’s real life was, what with the gorgeous and the straight and the male, which would tip the scale even further into unfair territory. 

“This isn’t working the way we thought it would,” Kevin noted. Holtzmann resisted the urge to say something cruel to him. 

“What isn’t?” Erin asked, arms folded over her chest. 

“Don't worry. I’ve got this,” Kevin said to Holtzmann. He handed her his half-eaten apple, then walked up to Erin, who was still radiating anger, tipped up her chin and kissed her. 

Holtzmann watched (jealous? Yes, desperately jealous, fingertips boring into the flesh of Kevin’s apple, spontaneous applesauce jealous) as Erin melted into the blonde receptionist’s embrace. 

The fairness meter was once again totally unbalanced, but Holtzmann figured that was her punishment for the various missteps she’d made today. She set this all in motion in her zeal to win Erin (and prove Patty wrong.) She’d done more than enough damage. Holtzmann prepared to slink upstairs to her room, but Kevin noticed before she could escape. 

“Holtz! Don’t leave now. It’s your turn,” he said with a goofy grin.

“Oh god,” Holtzmann murmured, watching Erin’s expression go from pleasantly surprised to confused to heated. 

“Okay, since Holtzmann appears incapable of telling me what the two of you are up to, Kevin— explain ,” Erin said firmly. 

“Holtzmann and I went to a bar tonight and she told me that you want to have sex with me. Is that true?”

Erin’s eyes went wide as her cheeks turned scarlet. “Uh… well… I mean, the answer’s not no.”

Kevin, perplexed, looked at Holtzmann who explained, “That's a yes. A roundabout yes.”

“Ah, good. So you want to sleep with me and Holtzmann wants to sleep with you—“ Kevin plowed on, not even noticing Holtzmann’s face-palm— “and I’m pretty sure you want to sleep with her, and I wouldn’t mind sleeping with you, so I thought, you know, three ghostbusters, uh, one rock.” 

When Holtzmann peeked out from behind her fingers, Erin’s face was scrunched up a bit, as if she was giving the matter some very serious thought. 

“Is what Kevin is saying accurate?”

“More or less, yeah.” Holtzmann admitted.

“Holtzmann’s had sex with lots of women, so she's probably great at it,” Kevin interjected. “Did you know she’s never done it with a dude, so she doesn’t even know if she’s all the way gay?”

“He’s right about the first part, but I have some issues with the second.” Holtzmann forced a grin. 

“So you want the three of us to have sex, but you’re not interested in Kevin?” Erin asked.

“Not even a little. Sorry, Kev. I mean… I kissed him, once, as an experiment and Patty’s definitely wrong. This—” Holtzmann made a vague gesture with her hands. “It does only work on women. Some women. Present company obviously excluded,” she added in a mumble. “So. All the way gay. Only interested in you. ”

Erin blushed. She looked from Holtzmann to Kevin and back again, then leaned against Patty’s desk, an amused smile playing on her lips. “Have you ever actually been in the same room with a naked man?”

“Yes!” Holtzmann said indignantly. 

“In what context?” Erin asked pointedly. 

“I took a figure drawing class once,” the engineer admitted. 

“Right.” Erin shook her head. “So you, a woman who makes a disgusted face if anyone even says the word “penis,” and Kevin— who “wouldn’t mind” sleeping with me, by the way, grand endorsement there— went drinking and decided to try to tempt me into a threesome… and THIS was the best plan you could come up with?”

“It's not really a threesome though,” Kevin said around a mouthful of the apple he’d retrieved from Holtzmann. “It's more two two-somes. At the same time. Does that actually make it a foursome?”

“This went differently in my head,” Holtzmann mumbled. 

“Kevin? Stop talking.” Erin said. She turned to Holtzmann and shook her head. “You couldn't just ask me to have coffee with you? Or dinner? Drinks? Go to a movie? Broadway show? Walk in Central Park? Or any of the 2846 date ideas that would have been more effective than this if your goal was to get me into bed?”

“See. Told you she liked you.” Kevin giggled and tossed his apple core at Abby’s trash can like it was a basketball. It bounced and skidded across the lab floor. 

“But you're into Kevin!” Holzmann protested.

“I find Kevin incredibly attractive,” Erin said. “I would definitely sleep with him. I wouldn't date him.”

Holtzmann looked over to Kevin to see if this revelation hurt his feelings but he was his same-old golden-retriever-puppy-in-human form self. 

“You're taking that revelation pretty well, Kev.” 

“Oh, I don't date women.” Kevin looked at the apple core he’d retrieved from the floor as if he was trying to figure out if there was another bite left on it, but then dropped it into the trash with a shrug. 

“You don’t… uh… so.” Holtzmann’s face scrunched up as she processed. “You only sleep with women. You don't date them.”

“Yep.”

“I'm starting to see why you don't keep track,” she muttered. She forced herself to meet Erin’s stare. “You flirt with Kevin all the time. How was I supposed to know you didn't actually want to date him?”

“You flirt with everyone, always. How was I supposed to know I was special?” Erin asked.

“I took Kevin out for drinks because I wanted to figure out what you liked about him and emulate that.”

“Holtz. Kevin is Kevin. You're you. Both of those facts make me happy. I don't need you to be more like Kevin. I just needed you to tell me you were actually interested.”

“I am definitely interested.” Holtzmann swallowed hard. “And not just in a— while I would welcome any situation that involves you and a distinct lack of clothing, I feel that I should— it’s only proper for me to declare my… intentions as a… You are amazing, you are so special and unique that I don’t think a lifetime of study could sufficiently map the things about you that I— what I’m trying to say—“

“Holtzmann likes you,” Kevin interjected. “And not just because she wants to do naked things with you,” he added, snagging a handful of chocolates from Abby’s desk. “But other reasons too.”

“I’m getting that impression,” Erin said with a smirk. “Okay, then. So, are the two of you over the threesome idea?”

Holtzmann considered. She looked at Kevin, who shrugged. She closed her eyes and summoned a mental picture of Kevin and Erin together, naked, the physicist’s red hair a mess of sex-tangles. The idea was intriguing and if what Kevin said about not dating women was true, it wasn’t like their dim secretary was actually competition. And she’d always had fun with the chaos that came with more naked bodies in a space. On the other hand, those bodies had always been women. After careful consideration, Holtzmann decided she could go either way (first time that phrase had ever applied to her, she realized with amusement) and would leave that judgement call up to Erin. 

“Would that be fun for you?” she asked. 

Erin bit her lip and it made Holtzmann’s knees wobble. ““Being the center of attention with the most attractive man in the world and the most irresistible woman in the known universe? That's pretty much the dictionary definition of fun for me.”

“What did you just say?” Holtzmann stared at Erin. Her brain was spinning, shifting gears, careening toward something. Erin’s words were familiar and she… “Abby!”

“What?”

“That attractive/irresistible line! Abby used it on me last week. So either you got it from her… or she got it from you. Which means the whole time I was obsessing over you flirting with Kevin, she knew you were into me!” Holtzmann’s eyes drifted to Abby’s workspace. “And she said NOTHING. I am going to kill her. Or at least make her life really, really unpleasant— I’ll replace all of her pens with old dried out ones that don’t work and I’m gonna stand too close to her and crack my gum, I’m gonna—“

Holtzmann’s brain kept envisioning punishments for Abby for several moments before she realized Erin had shoved her up against her work table and was kissing her soundly (with tongue! TONGUE! Holtzmann’s brain screamed at her once it reoriented itself.)

It felt so different than kissing Kevin did. That kiss lit a tiny, mechanical spark, but this one incinerated her. As Erin pulled her in tighter, Holtzmann thought she might pass out from the sheer excitement of it all. This was toe-curling. This was everything, and no other kiss she had in her lifetime would compare to it, this sloppy, desperate, slightly awkward kiss, because at that moment Jillian Holtzmann discovered what it felt like to get exactly what she wanted. 

When they parted, Holtzmann watched Erin look from her to Kevin (who was grinning like an idiot as he watched them from a few feet away) and back to her again. After a moment’s deliberation, Erin spoke.

“As much fun as I think it would be, your proposal for a threesome is denied,” the physicist said firmly. 

“Aw, that’s okay,” Kevin said with a grin as he pulled Erin into a bear-hug. He offered her one of the chocolates he’d stolen from Abby’s desk. “You’re still gonna have sex with Holtzmann though, right?”

“Holtzmann is permitted to ask me to go on a date with her. One that does not involve more than two people and could potentially end with sex.” Erin glared past Kevin at Holtzmann, who was suddenly beet red and fascinated with her shoes. “If she behaves herself.”

“Right on!” Kevin exclaimed, putting up his hand for a high-five. Holtzmann rolled her eyes but gave him one anyway. 

“Well, I’m gonna head out,” Kevin said, stuffing the rest of Abby’s chocolates into his bag. 

“Kevin. You live here.” Erin said.

“I know. But Aaron doesn’t.”

“Erin?” Holtzmann asked, confused.

“Aaron? My boyfriend?” Kevin laughed and headed for the door. “Sometimes I think I’m the only one around here who pays any attention!”

Holtzmann and Erin stared after him as he left. 

“Did Kevin just say that I’m his boyfriend?” Erin asked.

“Do you think he means Aaron? Like with an A?”

“Oh no.” Erin shook her head. “I was pretty much over flirting with him months ago, but then I overheard him say “I really like Erin” to Patty. But he probably meant…”

“Aaron. With an A.” Holtzmann giggled. “You’ve been making ‘fuck me’ eyes at a dude who doesn’t date women AND has a boyfriend.”

“To be fair, I’ve also been making ‘fuck me’ eyes at a woman who is available but pretty much clueless,” Erin said with a fond smirk.

“Okay, so… I can ask you on a date?” Holtzmann asked.

“Yes, you can ask me on a date.”

“Any kind of date?”

Erin tilted her head as she looked at Holtzmann. “I’m intrigued. Yes, any kind of date. You have something in mind?”

“Mmm. Three, actually. I’m having a hard time deciding.” Holtzmann drifted closer to her. She let one hand glide around Erin’s waist. “Maybe you can help?”

“Maybe. What are the options?” Erin asked, letting the other woman pull her closer. 

“Well, door number one, a walk in Central Park,” Holtzmann said. She threaded her fingers through Erin’s hair. 

“Sounds wonderful. The second?”

“Door number two: dinner and a Broadway show.” Holtzmann leaned in and brushed her lips against Erin’s ear. “But would you trade it all for the mystery date behind door number threeeeeeee?”

“Dinner and a Broadway show is pretty great.” Erin pulled back and regarded Holtzmann with amusement. “But let me guess. Door number three is your bed, right now?”

“I was gonna say ‘trip to the New York Hall of Science,’ but your idea is way better,” the inventor quipped. “No entrance fee, no dress code and I can assure you that the range of activities is both extensive and fulfilling. Shall we?”

“Who am I to say ‘no’ to the most irresistible woman in the known universe?” Erin said with a smile. “Lead the way.”

—

Early the next morning, Holtzmann was surprised to hear voices on the first floor of the firehouse. She was usually the first one awake. She breezed down the stairs in time to hear the end of the conversation. 

“— and that’s why I got you these!” 

When Holtzmann hopped down to the landing, she saw Kevin holding a bag of oranges out to Patty and a bag of chocolates to Abby. When the floor creaked under her feet both of them whirled around to face her. 

“Uh… hey guys,” Holtzmann said. She was hyper-aware of two sets of eyes burning into her as she walked to the coffee maker.

“Kevin woke us up and told us everything,” Abby said without preamble. “Do I need to include ‘no threesomes with employees’ in the handbook? Because I will if I have to. Do I have to, Holtz?”

“Why? Are you lovely ladies offering?” she asked, eyebrows wiggling as she looked from Patty to Abby. 

“Would Erin be okay sharing you?” Kevin asked. “I’m pretty sure she’s not the sharing type. Being shared, maybe—“

“Not helping, Kev,” Holtzmann grumbled. 

“Holtz, did you know there’s a cat in your room? It’s sort of grey and…” Erin trailed off as she reached the landing and realized she and Holtzmann weren’t alone. She was still in her peach robe, but her hair was a mass of tangles and she had several large purple marks on her neck.. “Uh. Hi, guys. I kinda thought you were still in bed.”

Kevin grinned at Holtzmann. “I guess you guys went on that date after I left. It was pretty late, though. Where’d you go?”

“To pound town, by the looks of things,” Patty muttered, although Holtzmann thought she heard a hint of amusement in her friend’s voice. 

Holtzmann looked to Abby, who she could tell was about to start yelling. 

“You knew Erin liked me!” Holtzmann exclaimed before her friend could get a word out. “That whole most irresistible woman in the known universe thing? You stole that. From Erin. Which means you knew she liked me, but instead you just let me dangle in ignorance like some… dangling thing. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because she’s got September,” Patty realized, suddenly happy. “And it’s still August! Which means somebody owes Patty fifty bucks.”

“It’s August 30th! I could still win if they haven’t—“

“Baby, look at them. You tryin’ to tell me they haven’t?”

Abby looked from the blush rising on Erin’s face to the self-satisfied grin on Holtzmann’s, then reached for her wallet. She handed the cash over to Patty. 

“Okay, for the record, I hate losing,” Abby said. “And I’m going to be really, really grumpy at you if you’ve got a cat.”

“You never go in my room.”

“The dander gets out!”

“Uh, the cat has lived with me for months and you’ve had no reaction. And besides, you said it was okay.” When Abby looked confused, Holtzmann added. “Remember when I asked you if I could get a fish?”

“Uh… yes.”

“Her name is Fish,” Holtzmann said. Her face broke into a huge grin. 

“Well, I guess I know that next time I should ask more questions,” Abby grumbled. She went back to her desk, where Kevin was eating the new bag of chocolates. “Give me those and go man the phones, Kevin.”

“Aye Captain!” 

Holtzmann watched Kevin bound off back to his desk. She glanced around the room. Erin was pouring herself a coffee in Holtzmann’s “Stand Back, I’m Going to Do Science” mug. Abby was clearing empty candy wrappers from her desk. The engineer went over to Patty’s desk, where their resident historian was making a big show of counting Abby’s money.

“You bet on me and Erin?”

“Baby, this is the second round of bets. We all lost the first time through.” Patty shook her head. “It took you long enough.”

“Well… I’m glad you won,” Holtzmann said. She turned and started to head toward her lab. 

“Hey Holtzy? There’s one thing I’m not following.” Patty pointed to her desk. “Why did Kevin get me a bag of oranges?”

“Kev? The oranges?” Holtzmann called out. 

“Oh, it’s because I ate the one that was on your desk.” Kevin yelled back from the reception area. He waited for a look of understanding, then added, “You know. The red one. They only had orange-oranges at the market though,” he added, turning back to his almost-completely-childproof computer. 

“That is the man you were ready to have a drunken threesome with.” Patty deadpanned.

“Erin-sandwich. Totally different.” 

“Now THAT is a main course I want no part of,” Patty quipped. 

“Eh, it’s a good idea we decided against it.” Holtzmann said. “It turns out I want to be the only bread for that spread, if yaknowwhatimean.”

Patty stared, wide-eyed, for several moments before speaking. 

“I’m just gonna sit here and figure out if the cash I just won from Abby will buy me enough brain bleach to erase all memory of the last three minutes.” Patty shook her head. “I take back what I said. I wouldn’t have sex with you.”

“Be careful with those kind of absolutes, Patty,” Erin called from the kitchen. She took a gulp of her coffee and headed for the stairs. “Somebody might decide to make a bet on how long you’ll be able to resist her charms, and then you’d really be screwed.”

“Literally!” Holtzmann added gleefully, following Erin up to the second floor. 

“Okay,” Patty began. “Upside: we don’t have to deal with Holtzy being all moony and stupid over Erin. Also, I won fifty dollars.”

“Downside,” Abby said, “I lost fifty dollars. And also now we’ll have to listen to them have loud, enthusiastic sex.” 

“I’m gonna order us some noise canceling headphones,” Patty said, turning to her computer. “And some fancy earplugs. And a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign for the entire second floor.”

“Good idea,” Abby replied. “Seriously, who names a cat ‘Fish’? The poor thing is going to have an identity crisis.”


End file.
